I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
