I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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