hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
