Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
