I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
