she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
