im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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