do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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