Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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