Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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