I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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