I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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