I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
