My first STD was from a foam party
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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