I think I died a long time ago.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
