I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
