a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
