I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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