dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
