Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There's always time for handjobs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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