Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
