i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
