First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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