Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
