I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
