haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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