apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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