physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
