Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
