i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
