I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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