He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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