Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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