i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
