Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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