Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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