i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
