My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
