One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
