I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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