Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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