I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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