Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
