Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
