So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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