call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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