It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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