which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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