So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She tied me up with her honor cords...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
