She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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