I wish my penis had an off switch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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