we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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